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October 1st, 2004
05:24 pm - lol
i found this and found it quite amusing......
Corporate Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor,"she replied's. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story? If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stockholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story? Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. "Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" say's the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life. "Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story? Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story? To be sitting and doing nothing,you must be sitting very, very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story? Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
i also found this....
One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.
The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal."
Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, "If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."
As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."
Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter."
However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."
At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.
The moral of this story is:
When the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.
Current Mood:  naughty
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05:22 pm - im a total bitch. how bout you?
When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.
When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.
When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.
Being a bitch means:
I won't compromise what's in my heart.
It means I live my life MY way.
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.
When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as bitch.
The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.
It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be.
I am outspoken, opinionated and determined.
I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!
So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, and try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed.
And if that makes me a bitch, so be it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.
B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself
B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman
B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything
Current Mood:  bitchy
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September 21st, 2004
09:12 pm - stuff that REALY annoys me
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it? What the hell am i supposed to do with it, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Seriously! I would realy like to know because i have yet to see anyone who does.
When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the frigging ceiling up there. What the hell did you come here for?
When something is "new and improved", what one is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. Right?
When a cop pulls you (or your mom) over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you frigging pulled me over.
When people say "Life is short." What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What? Are they going to do something that's longer? Somehow I just don't think so!
When people ask "Can I BORROW a piece of paper?" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's one god damn piece of paper! Or anything like that. When people ask "can i borrow a tampon off you." When you borrow something you are supposed to give it back. I sure don't want that back now!
When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here dumbass!
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy? If you realy have to then say,"can I ask you two questions"? But that's only if you realy have to.
If you haven't already noticed, I'm not in the best of moods as there are so many things in this world that just fuck me RIGHT OFF!!!!
Current Mood:  crappy
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July 9th, 2004
12:57 pm - why women are cranky
to all those females and males out there; i've finaly figured out what mackes us females so cranky!!!
We start to bud in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption that boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens or sooner. Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies (pms), have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had. Our next little rite of passage, premarital or not, is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod pushed into your uterus through your nostrils. (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse, leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.)
Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are, and we are, we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze. When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. In-Labor. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 more) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the asshole (and husband) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 lb. bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that cute wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. The teen years... Need I say more?
The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid 30's to early 40's while husband had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).
Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks?
I love being a woman (call me crazy) but "Womanhood" would even make the Great Gandhi more spiteful!!! And they say women are the "weaker sex". HA!
so girls... feeling a bit better?
good!
post tomoz!!!
lauren
Current Mood: bitchy
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July 6th, 2004
09:35 pm - the meaning of life
the meaning of life is to love and be loved in return. you cannot truly explain the definition of love or come close to describing it either. it grows from day to day from having contact with the other person who understands your needs and you understand theirs.it starts with a faultering flutter that touches your very sole and makes you vaunerable to everything beautiful. you see beauty where you once saw ugliness. oyu feel glowing inside, so happy without knowing why. you appreciate what you once took for granted or ignored. your eyes meet with those of the one you love, and you see reflected within them your own happieness, hopes, dreams and desires and you are happy just to be with that person.
even when you don't touch, you still feel th warmth of being with that person who fill all of your thoughts. then one dat you do thouch. perhaps it is his/her hand, and it feels good; it dosen't even have to be an intimate touch.
an exitement begins to grow, so you want to be with that person, not to have sex but to feel special in their presence.
you share your life in words befor you share your body. only then do you seriously consider having sex with that person. you want this love to never end; to last for ever and ever. so you go slowly, slowly towards the ultimate experience of your life. day by day, minute bt minute, second by second and from moment to moment you anticipate that one person, knowing you wont be dissapointed, knowing that person will be faith full, dependable even when they are out of sight. there is trust, confidence, commitment, peace and happieness when you have genuine love. to be in love is like turning on a light in a dark room. all of a sudden, everything becomes bright and visible.you are never alone because they love you and you love them.
tou begin to dream about sex; still you put it off
Current Mood:  whistfull
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July 2nd, 2004
09:04 pm
In this life I'm a woman.
In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.
When you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that, too.
When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.
I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who bothers your cubs.
If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.
He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup...gonna be a bear.
how 'bout you? you could be a pig coz their orgasams last for up to half an hourbut then again humans and dolphins are the only creatures thst have sex for pleasure. oh well quality over quantity!!!
lol
c ya every 1!!!
lauren
xoxoxoxoxox
Current Mood:  tired
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July 1st, 2004
09:18 pm - this ones funny
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail.
And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
sorry, had to post that! might get a few laughs though.well any way...
i have a point for you to ponder...
terrorists come here legally but stay here on expired visas for anywhere between 10-15 years. compare that to the people at blockbuster, you're 2 days late with a video and those people are all over you. i think we should put blockbuster in charge pf imigration.
i had a chest spasam today. i collapsed between the youth center and the skate-park. it was funny but really painfull. i had to be carried inside the youth center coz i couldntget up because of the pain and i was hyperventalating. so thank you to peter winter for carrying me! apart from that i had i good day!
well update tomorrow!
love ya'll!
lauren
xoxoxoxo
Current Mood:  flirty
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08:47 pm - bad day
ARE YA HAVIN' A BAD DAY????
Things gotcha Down?
Well, then, consider this.
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of exper ts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crossses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $ 80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
STILL think you're having a Bad Day????
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What?? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better????
any way hope you ARE having a good day im not but im still happy for some reason.
have a good day!
update later!!
lots of love,
lauren
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxo
Current Mood: flirty
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June 28th, 2004
07:16 pm
daniel is so sweet!
he wants me 2 stay home and get better.
but i wont 2 go 2 skool so i can see him. ne way just to let u no... im not to well. the nerves in the muscles in between my ribs keep spasaming. and subconsiously i panic and hyperventalate. i may also have devoloped athsma.
ne way... update l8r
i will try to make my entries londa just for u sarah
Current Mood:  drained
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June 27th, 2004
03:07 pm - lets all have a cry
its not fair!!!!!!!!!!
no 1 will talk 2 me on msn. nobody loves me.y dosent ne body love me?
plz feel free to tell me.
and have a cry with me if u care to.
Current Mood: depressed
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